The Fog

It’s often hard to explain mental health issues to people who have never been afflicted or interacted with someone afflicted by them. They just don’t have the capacity for understanding, or at least haven’t with the explanations I’d tried to give before now. Lately, since my new diagnosis and this life-changing drug, I’ve found the best way for me to describe my personal journey. 

All my life I’ve been walking in a fog of anxiety and depression. A dense, damp fog that surrounded and clung to me like a thick blanket drenched in cold water. Even though I knew there was more to life than anxiety and depression, I couldn’t see beyond that fog. 

Over the last six years, as meds that worked were introduced, I took a few steps out of the fog, revealing shadows of the life outside. They were dark and blurry, indistinguishable at times but visible none the less. After the worst of the side effects brought on by the introduction of a beast called Lamotrigine, every week when we upped my dose, I took another step out of the fog. 

I still struggled each time we increased it. The thoughts running through my mind did not always sound like me, I had insomnia and nightmares when I did sleep. Still, I took a step out of that fog every time.

A weight lifted off me, giving me the ability to control my emotions and my thoughts that up until then had free reign inside that stifling fog. 

It was liberating.

My bipolar diagnosis was like finding the key puzzle piece that brought the picture of my life together in a way that finally made sense. The medication was a lifeline, a refuge, a trail of bread crumbs leading me to safety.

I can regret the choices made in my darkest hours, I can’t for the life of me regret the moments that led me to this place. The realizations, the freedom and control that have come from it, have been worth it. 

I believe people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I thought he’d be a life time…maybe he was simply here for a reason…to help me find that missing piece. 

I should walk away, but I’ve still sent ridiculously long emails begging for another chance. I betrayed him in an unforgiveable way and should let him go so that he can find someone who deserves the investment and care that he gives…but I can’t seem to. 

Has anyone else out there betrayed someone they loved and then struggled so hard to watch them walk away?

How did you move on?

How did you let go of the line that bound you together? 

Tuesday’s Food For Thought….Self Sabotage

Today’s post did not come easily to me, last night my grandmother passed away and since then, I’ve been a little consumed by my grief and a little self pity. A few unsettling things have been rolling around in my head, I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt from my past, a lot of hard memories and a lot of old ideas about myself and my family.

I spent tonight wallowing in my misery, eating cookies and watching sappy movies, thinking about love and life and family.  Then my topic hit me, how many of us let old ideas, misconceptions about ourselves, or fears of other people guide the way we live our lives? How many of us self sabotage, and let our pasts affect and sometimes ruin our futures?

I’m guilty of this, in every aspect of my life. I struggle to succeed at work because I remember a time that I felt like a failure. I struggle to maintain my relationships with my family because bad memories are so much easier to hold onto than good ones. I ruin relationships because deep down I don’t think I’m worth the kind of person I would like to have in my life.

I know this isn’t necessarily a post about submission, or really about domination, but I’ve read a few blogs by some people who really seem to feel like I did today. It felt like something I need to say, not just for them, but for me as well.

A few years ago I was talking to my sister about struggling with life. I told her that every day we wake up we choose to take one of two roads, the road that leads us to the life we want to live or the road that looks familiar, the one that takes us to comfortable places that we remember. On the first path we are faced with the constant fear of the unknown. We will fumble along the way, we may get lost and have to find a way back, its hard but eventually we will end up where we wanted to be. The second path is definitely easier, it looks safer because it’s lined with familiar faces, feelings and ideas about life, the universe, and everything, but often times it leads us to a place where we repeat the same mistakes we’ve already made or those made by our parents.

Every day we have that choice, and every day it’s up to us to ensure that we are making the right choice for who we are and who we want to be. I know all too well how easy it is to live in this self pitying state, how easy it is to turn to someone for validation of who I am and who I would like to be, but that’s not who I choose to be.

Yes I am a submissive, and that is a huge part of who I am, but I am not defined only by the man I choose to give myself to. I am not a weak woman floating from one wrong man to another. I am not incompetent at my job. I am not the failure I seem to think that others see me as. I am capable, I am compassionate, I am loving, I am worthy, and I have chosen this life.

I will wake up tomorrow knowing that my life choices up to this point have not been made in vain. Every bad relationship, every clumsy career move has brought me to this place in my life, and although it is not without it’s struggles it’s a pretty good place. I will wake up tomorrow grateful for the small blessings in my life, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, the health and well being of the people I love.

I will greet the world unafraid of what it might bring my way because the truth is, whatever greets me, good or bad, I can handle.

My goal in life is not to merely survive. I will thrive.