Slowly but surely I am crossing the line between a woman playing at BDSM and a certified, submissive with masochistic tendencies. I don’t know why this surprises me, I’ve been dancing this line for the past eight months.
Some days I struggle, obsessed with the fact that this would not fit any ‘normal’ definition of a relationship from my family’s perspective. While others like today, I declare myself to him over and over again without so much as a second thought.
Those thoughts are always there, both the good and the bad…..I might find myself jealous of his female friends, or insecure around certain fantasies we share, but at the end of the day I know where I am meant to be. If not at his side, then just one step behind.
Some of us are leaders, we approach life, love and work with a strength and passion that is hard to mistake. While some of us feel insecure with that kind of responsibility and we shy away from the lime light. For me my place is in his shadow, striving every day to make his life a little easier, even when I fail miserably and stress him out with my insecurity.
There is nothing wrong with that. How can you know the light if not for the dark? How would you know good if there were no evil? To every yin there must be a yang, and he is mine.
Today I know who I am, I know whose I am, and I know my place. With Him.
Sometimes I think I’m in too deep.
Like when he looks at me and says, “Are you scared of me?”. I know what he means, and I know that out is only a six letter safe word away.
I always tell him part of the truth, that no I’m not afraid of him, but at the same time I leave out so much.
Like, “I’m more afraid of what you have come to mean to me,” and “I’m afraid of what I will do when this is over.”
I know that day isn’t tomorrow. I have till the very least the spring equinox. Probably a lot longer after that, but the thought stays with me.
I thought I could do this without getting too involved, I don’t think that is a reality any longer.