The next morning came with the horrid realization that this was not a dream. The moment I woke, he stirred on the floor beside me, that’s one of the down sides of submitting to a light sleeper. I struggled to meet his gaze when he looked up to ask if I was ok.
Was I? The truth was I didn’t know how I was feeling. My body ached, I felt physically weak, and my heart was feeling a little numb. I was struggling with just how much I felt for this man, my ever increasing desire to submit to him and what I perceived as his rejection and disgust…..irrational, probably, I’m a Cancer; meaning I pretend to be strong, but once you get passed my hard outer shell, I’m nothing but a pile of emotional goo and irrational worry.
“I’m Fine,” I replied, that ever popular and disturbingly accurate acronym for “Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional”……yeah that summed it up nicely.
True to form he pushed me for more, and I confessed that I was hurt at his anger towards me. I didn’t understand why he could be so eager to do this the day before, be the one who brought it up and then be so upset with me for asking for it, for asking for more.
An emotion I couldn’t quite name crossed over his face and he stared up at the ceiling. “I wasn’t upset with you, I was upset with myself,” he said quietly after a moment. It took some time but eventually the issues came to the surface.
To the man behind my Dom our play had moved passed the line of acceptable BDSM play, and into the grey area that could be deemed abuse by the outside world. The thought of someone seeing these marks on me and thinking that he was beating me was a huge pill for him to swallow.
For the Dom, it was a thrilling experience that turned him on more than he was prepared for. The battle between these two sides of him, coupled with the obvious pain I experienced, was a lot for him to take in, leading to the events that took place.
That made it easier to understand where he was coming from, it didn’t change much. I asked him what he was thinking when I had locked myself in the bathroom. His response was simple, “I thought, ‘She’s gone. I’ve lost her’.”
When the little light that is his daughter awoke, we started our day. She was thrilled with her video game and pretty much checked out as soon as he let her turn it on. So I slipped away into the bathroom to get dressed.
One of the things that started this whole fiasco was a comment I had made on how his marks, whether bite or strap marks, never seem to stay very long. For some crazy reason my resilient pale skin doesn’t hold a mark. When I turned around to look at my sore backside that morning I was met with a series of the darkest bruises I have ever seen in my life.
These bright purple/red marks out lined the shape of the cane imprint, two for each cheek. I must have spent a good five minutes gently fingering them and admiring their colour and shape. Call me crazy but I get no end of joy seeing the after effects of our play on my body.
The idea that there is a visible mark from him, declaring my body as his, is the most powerful aphrodisiac I have ever encountered. Nothing delights me more, nor does anything scare me quite so much, I’m terrified by how much I want his mark on my body. How willing I am to feel any pain that means I get that coveted mark, it’s insane.
When I finally made my way in to the kitchen, he moved around me like I was a delicate piece of glass. With every glance my way, every softly spoken word, I knew he was worried that one wrong look, one more hurt feeling and I would walk out of his life forever.
I contemplated not telling him, he was so upset by putting the marks on my body, I felt as though he didn’t deserve to ruin the pleasure I felt in seeing them. Then in almost the same moment reality kicked in, I wanted, needed to share this experience with someone. I’m not able to share my relationship with my inner circle, not only is the majority of our vanilla relationship a private matter, the kink side of things is even more hush-hush. If I wanted to share this, I only had one choice.
When his daughter had slipped into the bathroom and I looked across the kitchen at him, he met my gaze and I whispered, “So it turns out I do bruise.” The change in him was instantaneous, his back straightened, his chest puffed out and that fire I adore sparked behind his eyes.
“I want to see,” he told me, just as quietly. My first instinct was to deny him, hurt him the only way I new how, but I knew I would never follow through with it. We talked for a few minutes, I answered his questions about the size and colour, and then he turned to me again.
“I am so hard right now.” Those words confused me more than anything, even though he’d told me more than once that he was turned on by this, I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t get passed that tone in his voice.
I think he could tell I didn’t believe him, so he took my hand and placed it on the front of his pants…..definitely aroused by this conversation. He led the way to his bathroom and standing at the door said, “May I see you in here for a moment.”
With his daughter sufficiently occupied, I followed him in. He ordered me to let him see my ass, and when I bent over his touch was reverent. He stroked and groped me, careful not to be too rough, but knowing that I needed more than a gentle caress.
“I want to do that again,” he told me……silently I knew it would take quite a while before I would ask for his mark again.
The truth was that while I stood in the shower, punishing myself with water so hot I almost could not stand it, I was desperately contemplating my options. If I hadn’t left my car at home, if my dog was not waiting on foot surgery, if we didn’t have plans for a road trip with his daughter, who was gleefully anticipating the event, I would have gathered my things and left.
Hell, if it wasn’t for my dog and his daughter I would have taken my things and walked, but as hurt as I was, as much as I needed to get away from his disgust, I couldn’t hurt them. Instead I took my time, showering, drying, getting dressed, the longer I was in the bathroom, the longer I could avoid his gaze.
When I finally felt brave enough to exit my sanctuary, I paused for a minute. I thought back to the few times I had tried to explain to my ex how I felt about sex; how I had asked him to do some things for me and I had been met with that same disgust, that look of revulsion that I believed was behind my Doms anger.
When I found my own anger, I held onto it with an iron clad grasp; if he couldn’t handle this, he never should have agreed to this. If he really thought that was what I wanted, then why were we here, doing this, and why would he have said all the things he had up until that point? Stepping out of the bathroom I wouldn’t look at the bed where he lay waiting for me, I moved as quickly as I could out of the room.
“Are you going to come and talk to me?” he asked when I reached the doorway.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly, my voice as unsteady as my emotions. I told him I was angry and turned away from him and went to the couch.
Trying to find a comfortable position after the numerous sessions we had over the last 24 hours was more than a little difficult. Finally I sucked it up and lay on my back, using the pain as a distraction for the torrent of overwhelming hurt that was welling up inside me.
A few minutes later I heard him call my name and I ignored him. The second time he called my name he added, “Come here”. Petulant as I can be some times, I waited a moment or two before I got up and went into his room.
He asked me to join him on the bed; I lay down stiffly, focusing on a spot on the ceiling. He asked me to look at him, and I refused. After a few minutes he asked me to talk to him, and in my anger I refused again. I felt like everything we had been working towards was shattered in that one horribly defining moment; every agreement and negotiation reached was broken the moment he made me feel like my kink was wrong.
Looking back on it now, that was the night I stopped wearing my amulet. I had been without it for only a few hours the day before, but I stopped intentionally reaching for it that night. That would lead to its own set of problems.
It took a few minutes, and one or two more firmly worded requests but finally I explained. His words hurt, they made me think that he thought I was perverted, fucked up and broken, asking for abuse. I felt like he had judged me, and found me severely wanting. It reminded me of how my ex had looked at me, sneered at me and been turned off by me and my desires. I was angry, I was hurt, and I didn’t believe him when he apologized.
There was a silent pause, and then he apologized again. I rolled my eyes and tried to move away from him but he ordered me back. I still refused to look at him and silently cursed myself for my weakness.
It took him some time but he was able to explain that he wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at his reaction to the marks he left behind. That he didn’t like hurting the people he loved, and he didn’t like seeing me in pain. What scared him was how much it turned him on, how much he wanted to cum all over the marks and bury himself inside me.
It took a while for that to sink in, and even when it did, I didn’t believe him. I was too hurt, too upset to think straight, and when he asked me if I would sleep beside him I said no. At that he gathered his pillow and his blanket and followed me out into the living room. Whether I liked it or not he would sleep beside me, and if I was going to sleep on the couch, then he would sleep on the floor in front of it.
No matter how much I argued he wouldn’t budge. When I protested too much he turned around and snapped at me. Part of me thinks he was scared I would get up and leave in the middle of the night, and that same part of me thinks that was a pretty realistic fear.
So I lay on the couch doing my best to muffle my tears. My backside was throbbing and my clothing did nothing to ease that. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, it never does.
I lay awake for what seemed like hours. When sleep finally came it was filled with night mares.
We managed to navigate our way through the first use of my safeword relatively unscathed. Our miscommunication might have been a sign we should explore more carefully, but it was one we ignored.
That night, after a full afternoon of playing in solitude, we teased and tempted each other. Sore and on my euphoric cloud I hopped on Pinterest and found an amazing number of tantalizing photos of women gloriously marked by their partners/Doms cane.
With every image, with every glimpse of this previously taboo idea, my heart skipped a beat. By the time he led me into his room I was beside myself with anticipation.
I wanted this, more than anything. Forget that just before dinner his daughter had arrived, and was now sleeping on the other side of the apartment. Forget the fact I had sworn to myself I would never risk her finding out.
I knew it would hurt, I knew that I would feel a pain unlike any I’d felt up to this point. He had told me once before he would have to hit me much harder to leave the kind of mark I wanted to see. I didn’t care, the fact that it would be his mark on me, a physical sign of his possession of me was enough. That thought excited me so much, I knew I would take any pain that meant I could bear that gift.
I lay down on his bed in nothing save my shirt and bra, nervous and excited, and not quite sure how to contain myself. Like it does every time we play, his voiced dropped and he promised me three strokes. I wasn’t to make a sound, we couldn’t risk anyone hearing.
The first stroke I again flew off the bed, but no sound escaped my lips save a gasp. The second came a few minutes later and I moved away from my place on his bed. With my head buried in his pillow, I fought the tears. I felt him lay down beside me, and when I had gathered myself, I turned my face towards him.
I should have known at that moment. He was watching me with such worry in his eyes, so much concern for me it should have been clear. You see the man behind my Dom is a champion for those who find themselves in a troubled place. It’s his job to look for signs of abuse and care for those who may not be able to care for themselves.
It is for this reason I find it so easy to love him, but this side of him also makes it a struggle for him to cope with the more sadistic side I seem to require.
We talked, about what in particular I cannot remember, but one or two things stand out to me. At one point I said I could handle more, as much as each stroke hurt. I smiled up at him and teasingly said, “you did promise me three.”
There was a pause before he told me that he would do one more, to see if he could do this. So I lay back down, my already aching ass bared for him.
The last stroke was clearly the undoing for both of us. I’m sure I elevated off the bed, I buried my head in the blankets, the tears falling down my face as I listened to him pace behind me.
Snippets if what he said as he paced beside me still linger in the back of my head.
“Is that enough of a mark for you? Does that make you happy”
“This has gone beyond submission.”
“Do you really want me to beat you? Because that’s what this is.”
As I listened to the angry tone of his voice and those sharp, unforgiving words, my euphoria slipped away slowly…..behind it flowed every fear I had ever imagined, however briefly, when I contemplated entering this relationship with him.
I felt sick, disgusted with myself because at that moment it felt like he was right. I was asking him to beat me, abuse me. Was this some twisted shadow left behind from a childhood I’d rather leave behind?
Before I finished the thought I launched off the bed and gathered my clothes. My head down cast, I moved towards the bathroom. When he met me at the door I slid passed, too blinded by tears to even look at him.
For the first time I felt like he thought I was sick, which hurt more than I care to admit even now. For everything else, he had looked at me with lust not disgust in his eye. I was convinced we were over, how could I ever look at him again, knowing he thought that way about me.
I locked the door beside me and sobbed as quietly as I could manage. I turned to examine my marks in the mirror and felt nothing but shame.
Stepping under the hottest shower I could muster, I scrubbed my self furiously. When my skin was red and my tears eased, I leaned against the wall and felt a little of my shame wash away under the searing water.
No matter what we did now… Nothing would ever be the same again.