Today’s post did not come easily to me, last night my grandmother passed away and since then, I’ve been a little consumed by my grief and a little self pity. A few unsettling things have been rolling around in my head, I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt from my past, a lot of hard memories and a lot of old ideas about myself and my family.
I spent tonight wallowing in my misery, eating cookies and watching sappy movies, thinking about love and life and family. Then my topic hit me, how many of us let old ideas, misconceptions about ourselves, or fears of other people guide the way we live our lives? How many of us self sabotage, and let our pasts affect and sometimes ruin our futures?
I’m guilty of this, in every aspect of my life. I struggle to succeed at work because I remember a time that I felt like a failure. I struggle to maintain my relationships with my family because bad memories are so much easier to hold onto than good ones. I ruin relationships because deep down I don’t think I’m worth the kind of person I would like to have in my life.
I know this isn’t necessarily a post about submission, or really about domination, but I’ve read a few blogs by some people who really seem to feel like I did today. It felt like something I need to say, not just for them, but for me as well.
A few years ago I was talking to my sister about struggling with life. I told her that every day we wake up we choose to take one of two roads, the road that leads us to the life we want to live or the road that looks familiar, the one that takes us to comfortable places that we remember. On the first path we are faced with the constant fear of the unknown. We will fumble along the way, we may get lost and have to find a way back, its hard but eventually we will end up where we wanted to be. The second path is definitely easier, it looks safer because it’s lined with familiar faces, feelings and ideas about life, the universe, and everything, but often times it leads us to a place where we repeat the same mistakes we’ve already made or those made by our parents.
Every day we have that choice, and every day it’s up to us to ensure that we are making the right choice for who we are and who we want to be. I know all too well how easy it is to live in this self pitying state, how easy it is to turn to someone for validation of who I am and who I would like to be, but that’s not who I choose to be.
Yes I am a submissive, and that is a huge part of who I am, but I am not defined only by the man I choose to give myself to. I am not a weak woman floating from one wrong man to another. I am not incompetent at my job. I am not the failure I seem to think that others see me as. I am capable, I am compassionate, I am loving, I am worthy, and I have chosen this life.
I will wake up tomorrow knowing that my life choices up to this point have not been made in vain. Every bad relationship, every clumsy career move has brought me to this place in my life, and although it is not without it’s struggles it’s a pretty good place. I will wake up tomorrow grateful for the small blessings in my life, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, the health and well being of the people I love.
I will greet the world unafraid of what it might bring my way because the truth is, whatever greets me, good or bad, I can handle.
My goal in life is not to merely survive. I will thrive.