The Fog

It’s often hard to explain mental health issues to people who have never been afflicted or interacted with someone afflicted by them. They just don’t have the capacity for understanding, or at least haven’t with the explanations I’d tried to give before now. Lately, since my new diagnosis and this life-changing drug, I’ve found the best way for me to describe my personal journey. 

All my life I’ve been walking in a fog of anxiety and depression. A dense, damp fog that surrounded and clung to me like a thick blanket drenched in cold water. Even though I knew there was more to life than anxiety and depression, I couldn’t see beyond that fog. 

Over the last six years, as meds that worked were introduced, I took a few steps out of the fog, revealing shadows of the life outside. They were dark and blurry, indistinguishable at times but visible none the less. After the worst of the side effects brought on by the introduction of a beast called Lamotrigine, every week when we upped my dose, I took another step out of the fog. 

I still struggled each time we increased it. The thoughts running through my mind did not always sound like me, I had insomnia and nightmares when I did sleep. Still, I took a step out of that fog every time.

A weight lifted off me, giving me the ability to control my emotions and my thoughts that up until then had free reign inside that stifling fog. 

It was liberating.

My bipolar diagnosis was like finding the key puzzle piece that brought the picture of my life together in a way that finally made sense. The medication was a lifeline, a refuge, a trail of bread crumbs leading me to safety.

I can regret the choices made in my darkest hours, I can’t for the life of me regret the moments that led me to this place. The realizations, the freedom and control that have come from it, have been worth it. 

I believe people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I thought he’d be a life time…maybe he was simply here for a reason…to help me find that missing piece. 

I should walk away, but I’ve still sent ridiculously long emails begging for another chance. I betrayed him in an unforgiveable way and should let him go so that he can find someone who deserves the investment and care that he gives…but I can’t seem to. 

Has anyone else out there betrayed someone they loved and then struggled so hard to watch them walk away?

How did you move on?

How did you let go of the line that bound you together? 

Brutal honesty; written a few weeks ago

Sometimes I think I’m in too deep.

Like when he looks at me and says, “Are you scared of me?”. I know what he means, and I know that out is only a six letter safe word away.

I always tell him part of the truth, that no I’m not afraid of him, but at the same time I leave out so much.

Like, “I’m more afraid of what you have come to mean to me,” and “I’m afraid of what I will do when this is over.”

I know that day isn’t tomorrow. I have till the very least the spring equinox. Probably a lot longer after that, but the thought stays with me.

I thought I could do this without getting too involved, I don’t think that is a reality any longer.

Needed

522487994238741619_Xy0tRGZF_cCome to my house tonight. Do your laundry. Serve me. Snuggle. Tonights meal will be the steak tips.

My Dom and I often struggle balancing between our Dom/sub relationship and more traditional, more vanilla relationship. For both of us this is a first; my first true submissive experience and his first Dominant roll. There are times when the lines between vanilla and D/s are blurred, and what arises is a mess of confusion, miscommunication and emotion.

In real life, and in D/s my biggest fear in life is abandonment. I label myself as commitment phobic not because I don’t want a committed relationship, but because I have become that woman who jumps ship at the first sign of impending danger. When I am with someone who is or seems to be questioning our relationship, it’s become my nature to shut down, pull away and make it very easy for them to do what I think it is that they will do.

Over Christmas such a situation arose for my Dom and I. The last year has been a struggle for both of us, leaving our previous relationships, and eventually finding our way to each other and beginning this more complicated one. Couple that with the stress that comes from Christmas, seeing family and dealing with the changes in our lives, and you have a mess. By the time New Years came around, I found myself testing my Dom while I quietly distanced myself fearing, of course, the absolute worst.

The issue with this meld between vanilla and D/s is that neither party is ever really sure where the lines between relationship and domination are drawn. There is a strong distinction between the man I am dating and the Dom that I serve; both may be the same man who looks at me with that arch of his eye brow when I teasing tell him ‘no’, but although the Dom in him would never take that answer, the man in him respects my rights in our relationship.

So while I test my Dom by ‘forgetting’ to wear my collar, by bringing it with me but intentionally not wearing it or teasingly refusing even the simplest of his demands, the man that I am dating thought that this was my way of saying I was too hurt to continue that part of our relationship because I was questioning whether or not he really wanted to be with me.

The reality of this twisted situation is that my sub side was/is crying out for reassurance. It’s critical for me to know that he wants this to continue, that my submission means that much to him. By not accepting my rebellion, by refusing to allow me to just bow out, by forcing me to safe word out if I truly cannot continue this part of our relationship he is telling me that I matter to him. Maybe that sounds twisted, but for me it makes sense, to my spirit it made sense.

You see, when we first started on this winding road of bondage and submission, a similar wave of insecurity hit me and at that time my Dom, not the man behind him, told me that until our three month trial was up, I belonged to him. That I could safe word out every time I saw him and he would leave me alone, but until that time he would be at my door every day, refusing to let me run away from him and what we had together.

I know I sound like a coward, and really I am, but history and fear have me believing that I’m not worth fighting for. So I continually test people, pushing them away and making it easy for them to walk away, deep down my hope is that I will matter enough that they won’t leave…..but eventually they tend to go after what it is they really want.

A side affect of this is that my panic, my anxiety for constant reassurance from him, from everyone overwhelms and frightens people. I was completely unable to tell him what I needed from him, I knew what I wanted him to say, but I feared how weak it would make me sound. Would he respect me when he heard what it was I wanted from him, would he be able to still see me as the strong woman I pretend to be in the daylight hours?

Finally in the midst of one of a dozen conversations he asked me what I was really thinking.

“I want you to tell me I’m not leaving,” I whispered furiously, at the look of shock on his face I had to turn away. “I want you to tell me to walk in there and put my amulet on and not take it off again.” I pointed to the kitchen where I had purposefully laid my collar/amulet on the counter for both of us to see. All day long I had been waiting, praying he’d tell me to put it back on and when I saw the look of shock on his face, I realized…..he had no idea what I needed.

“You still want to serve me?” he asked, the shock in his voice made me feel a bit better, but still I was near to tears. “Then go get it,” he told me, ” I’ll put it on you.”

Since then our energy is slowly shifting back. Yes, we are still in a tumultuous place where neither of us knows just what will happen. I don’t know if at the next equinox he will choose to continue our D/s relationship, but for the moment I have a bit of confidence knowing that he really does want me here at his feet. Strangely enough, that makes all the other stuff bearable.

This shift started small, “Meet me at my house for dinner.” Not a question, not a request, but an expectation, a demand. When I asked why (that uncontrollable out pouring of insecurity) he replied with, “I think we both need to hear me tell you what you will be doing tonight.”

How little it takes for me to become overwhelmed with my desire for him. How simple it can be to give me that security I need to be patient and wait. How amazingly critical communication is, and how much I have changed in the first three months of this relationship.

Serve you? Yes, please!

We are not alone

Today I took some time to read through some blogs written by submissives, then inspired by my findings I explored a website filled with questions and answers from submissives to some really supportive and informative Dominants. The common themes I found where both inspiring and frightening, it became very clear, very quickly how much I am not alone in my fear and my insecurities.

There is a resounding theme amongst subs the world over, to all of us the sun rises and sets on the man we call Master. Whether a sub or a slave, a girlfriend, a wife or an online lover; in a 24/7 power exchange, a live in situation, or a couple of nights a week, we need our Dom to feel complete. For every one of us our power comes from our submission and our pleasure, our happiness, our desire stems from knowing that our submission brings our Dom unmeasurable, unparalleled joy.

When things are good, when we feel their attentiveness, when we are sure of our place at their side or at their feet then we are on top of the world. No power on earth could wipe the smile from our faces, we greet the world with a glow that emanates from within and to look at us you can see that we are an immovable force. We gain our strength by relinquishing our control, and that is not for the weak at heart; for how many of you could arch up to greet the snap of a thick leather belt as it dances up and down your backside.

Yet when the coin is flipped, when we realize or imagine that their attention has faded or waned, it is as if the world has ended. Oh yes, we know we will survive, we know that we will move on, but a part of us went with them. One blog I read told the story of a sub who’s Dom proposed, only to find he had been emailing his ex, telling her the day after he proposed that he missed her and the thought of her excited him. She talked about struggling to find the heart to forgive him, and when she finally was able to, she couldn’t figure out how to regain the trust that was necessary for her to submit to him in the bedroom.

This woman’s story struck a cord with me. How many of us have found ourselves doubting our worth because of something someone else has done? How many of us questioned our worth and thought ourselves lacking because we lay all that we are at the feet of someone who can choose to love us or abandon us.

I drove home from work thinking about her, and myself. I want to cup her face in my hands, look into her eyes and tell her, “You offer the most precious gift to him. In submitting you give him more than just the key to your heart. You trust him with your mind, your emotional well being, your love and your adoration. In kneeling at his feet you offer him more than any other woman could, but you owe it to yourself not to give too willingly. He must be the caretaker, he needs to truly deserve all that you have to offer. Love yourself, please, love yourself.”

So where ever you are in life, where ever you are in your journey of submission, know that you are not alone. There are others out there who feel your uncertainty, your excitement and your fear.