The Fog

It’s often hard to explain mental health issues to people who have never been afflicted or interacted with someone afflicted by them. They just don’t have the capacity for understanding, or at least haven’t with the explanations I’d tried to give before now. Lately, since my new diagnosis and this life-changing drug, I’ve found the best way for me to describe my personal journey. 

All my life I’ve been walking in a fog of anxiety and depression. A dense, damp fog that surrounded and clung to me like a thick blanket drenched in cold water. Even though I knew there was more to life than anxiety and depression, I couldn’t see beyond that fog. 

Over the last six years, as meds that worked were introduced, I took a few steps out of the fog, revealing shadows of the life outside. They were dark and blurry, indistinguishable at times but visible none the less. After the worst of the side effects brought on by the introduction of a beast called Lamotrigine, every week when we upped my dose, I took another step out of the fog. 

I still struggled each time we increased it. The thoughts running through my mind did not always sound like me, I had insomnia and nightmares when I did sleep. Still, I took a step out of that fog every time.

A weight lifted off me, giving me the ability to control my emotions and my thoughts that up until then had free reign inside that stifling fog. 

It was liberating.

My bipolar diagnosis was like finding the key puzzle piece that brought the picture of my life together in a way that finally made sense. The medication was a lifeline, a refuge, a trail of bread crumbs leading me to safety.

I can regret the choices made in my darkest hours, I can’t for the life of me regret the moments that led me to this place. The realizations, the freedom and control that have come from it, have been worth it. 

I believe people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I thought he’d be a life time…maybe he was simply here for a reason…to help me find that missing piece. 

I should walk away, but I’ve still sent ridiculously long emails begging for another chance. I betrayed him in an unforgiveable way and should let him go so that he can find someone who deserves the investment and care that he gives…but I can’t seem to. 

Has anyone else out there betrayed someone they loved and then struggled so hard to watch them walk away?

How did you move on?

How did you let go of the line that bound you together? 

Fate or Coincidence

I found him first, and then he found me

Two worlds collided, the reason unseen

He’d call it coincidence, and I’d call fate

Whatever reason we met for our date

He led with his mind and I, with my heart

Yet there was chemistry right from the start

He’d meet every argument with research and fact

I relied on instinct, prone to overreact

He knew what he wanted, and I was unsure

He’s filled with confidence, where I’m insecure

His life, like his home, is uncluttered and clean

For me it’s been complicated, a sight best left unseen

For him, everything sits in its chosen place

Yet my cluttered life I still struggle to face

He gave me everything, and I threw it away

A few bad decisions I regret to this day

He’ll never forgive me, I’m not sure he should

I’d still beg on my knees if I thought that he would

It’s hard to imagine how things could be

If I’d never betrayed him, or if he’d never met me

There’s no going back, as much as I’ve tried

My life feels so empty, I’ve no tears left to cry

Still life goes on, at least so they say

One step, then another, I’ll soon find my way

Doms can be dicks….

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
Anaïs Nin

It’s time to do a little venting. I’ve been on Fetlife for a while now, and I’ve had the benefit of meeting some really amazing people, I’ve also met my fair share of dicks…..Today was a day for dicks, and yes people, some of you Doms can be dicks.

Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the only sub-like person out there who doesn’t want to hear or read the word cunt in your first five messages…..maybe I’m crazy for needing to be actually turned on before that word become acceptable….is that really too much to ask?

Am I a dirty slut? You better believe it, but am I a dirty little slut for just anyone? No, that would make me an idiot, and my mama didn’t raise no fool.

I like so many subs out there, I started off on my journey not knowing my worth. However, after just three short months I’ve learned two very important things, that as a sub I am much more desirable that I once believed I was and that I have the right, and the opportunity to be discriminating.

I am offering you a gift. My submission is worth more than you know or can imagine. I am worth every minute that you put into getting to know me, and I am worth any effort that is expelled in gaining my submission. Don’t treat me like I’m not human, unless I ask that of you. Don’t call me a slut until I’m willing to be one with you, and don’t for a second believe that I have to do what you tell me unless I want to.

So, in closing, please don’t demand that I ‘describe my cunt in detail’ before we have actually had a conversation, there is so much more to me than that. Please don’t get pissed off at me for not giving you my first name and my phone number with in our first three messages…..and please keep in mind that if you actually want to see what is underneath my night gown, I expect that you actually try to gain the attention of the mind that is wearing it.

 

Brutal honesty; written a few weeks ago

Sometimes I think I’m in too deep.

Like when he looks at me and says, “Are you scared of me?”. I know what he means, and I know that out is only a six letter safe word away.

I always tell him part of the truth, that no I’m not afraid of him, but at the same time I leave out so much.

Like, “I’m more afraid of what you have come to mean to me,” and “I’m afraid of what I will do when this is over.”

I know that day isn’t tomorrow. I have till the very least the spring equinox. Probably a lot longer after that, but the thought stays with me.

I thought I could do this without getting too involved, I don’t think that is a reality any longer.

Middle ground

I have learned something about myself in the thirty years I’ve been wandering this earth, there is very little middle ground for me.

When I get a craving for Brussell sprouts, red meat or watermelon, it consumes my thoughts and nothing will satisfy me until that craving is met. If I dislike a food, I abhor it…..just ask me to what ends I will go to avoid the evil often referred to as the pea.

When I find a book I love, there is no such thing as reading one chapter per night. No, this obsessive book worm will not put her find down until the last page has been devoured. If I find within the first few pages or chapters that I dislike a book, no force on earth could inspire me to finish it.

When I love someone or something, I love them with every inch of my being; when that love is gone, it’s gone…..no half way, no reconciliation.

It is this type of obsessiveness that has led to the demise of more than one past relationship. Whether my passion, my desire for the other is much too much to handle, or my desire for that next step becomes either my undoing or theirs, I never really know.

This week I’ve felt the same ups and downs that have haunted me throughout these failed relationships. That panic that comes from seeing something I desperately want, but not daring to truly let myself want it, or even at times think about it.

With age comes patience, or so they tell me. I thought for myself it was a better understanding of what I wanted, which now I realize is only partly true. I think most of my patience came from thinking no one would ever want me the way I really want to be loved.

I’ve been expecting my Dom to choose something, someone better, this is inspired as much by my insecurity as it is by any lack of surety on his part. I haven’t let myself imagine a future with him because I never really believed it could be a reality.

The realization that I’ve been controlling our relationship in my own obsessive and twisted way hit me pretty hard Tuesday night. All along I’ve been using my fear as a tool to push him away. I’ve convinced myself this is temporary, and once faced with the idea that he could actually, honestly want more, it threw me for a loop.

I love submitting to him, if I could find a way to do that without being this vulnerable, I would…but I don’t think I can. I think the vulnerability goes hand in hand with submission.

So he will read this, and hopefully understand that I’m trying. I’m trying to let go of my fear, trying to give him more than just my will, more than just my love. I am also trying to give him my trust. I am trying not to live a life of fear, because that would imply I don’t have faith in him.

How do you explain that you can’t trust not because he is not trust worthy, but because those before him were not.

20130125-194028.jpg

Needed

522487994238741619_Xy0tRGZF_cCome to my house tonight. Do your laundry. Serve me. Snuggle. Tonights meal will be the steak tips.

My Dom and I often struggle balancing between our Dom/sub relationship and more traditional, more vanilla relationship. For both of us this is a first; my first true submissive experience and his first Dominant roll. There are times when the lines between vanilla and D/s are blurred, and what arises is a mess of confusion, miscommunication and emotion.

In real life, and in D/s my biggest fear in life is abandonment. I label myself as commitment phobic not because I don’t want a committed relationship, but because I have become that woman who jumps ship at the first sign of impending danger. When I am with someone who is or seems to be questioning our relationship, it’s become my nature to shut down, pull away and make it very easy for them to do what I think it is that they will do.

Over Christmas such a situation arose for my Dom and I. The last year has been a struggle for both of us, leaving our previous relationships, and eventually finding our way to each other and beginning this more complicated one. Couple that with the stress that comes from Christmas, seeing family and dealing with the changes in our lives, and you have a mess. By the time New Years came around, I found myself testing my Dom while I quietly distanced myself fearing, of course, the absolute worst.

The issue with this meld between vanilla and D/s is that neither party is ever really sure where the lines between relationship and domination are drawn. There is a strong distinction between the man I am dating and the Dom that I serve; both may be the same man who looks at me with that arch of his eye brow when I teasing tell him ‘no’, but although the Dom in him would never take that answer, the man in him respects my rights in our relationship.

So while I test my Dom by ‘forgetting’ to wear my collar, by bringing it with me but intentionally not wearing it or teasingly refusing even the simplest of his demands, the man that I am dating thought that this was my way of saying I was too hurt to continue that part of our relationship because I was questioning whether or not he really wanted to be with me.

The reality of this twisted situation is that my sub side was/is crying out for reassurance. It’s critical for me to know that he wants this to continue, that my submission means that much to him. By not accepting my rebellion, by refusing to allow me to just bow out, by forcing me to safe word out if I truly cannot continue this part of our relationship he is telling me that I matter to him. Maybe that sounds twisted, but for me it makes sense, to my spirit it made sense.

You see, when we first started on this winding road of bondage and submission, a similar wave of insecurity hit me and at that time my Dom, not the man behind him, told me that until our three month trial was up, I belonged to him. That I could safe word out every time I saw him and he would leave me alone, but until that time he would be at my door every day, refusing to let me run away from him and what we had together.

I know I sound like a coward, and really I am, but history and fear have me believing that I’m not worth fighting for. So I continually test people, pushing them away and making it easy for them to walk away, deep down my hope is that I will matter enough that they won’t leave…..but eventually they tend to go after what it is they really want.

A side affect of this is that my panic, my anxiety for constant reassurance from him, from everyone overwhelms and frightens people. I was completely unable to tell him what I needed from him, I knew what I wanted him to say, but I feared how weak it would make me sound. Would he respect me when he heard what it was I wanted from him, would he be able to still see me as the strong woman I pretend to be in the daylight hours?

Finally in the midst of one of a dozen conversations he asked me what I was really thinking.

“I want you to tell me I’m not leaving,” I whispered furiously, at the look of shock on his face I had to turn away. “I want you to tell me to walk in there and put my amulet on and not take it off again.” I pointed to the kitchen where I had purposefully laid my collar/amulet on the counter for both of us to see. All day long I had been waiting, praying he’d tell me to put it back on and when I saw the look of shock on his face, I realized…..he had no idea what I needed.

“You still want to serve me?” he asked, the shock in his voice made me feel a bit better, but still I was near to tears. “Then go get it,” he told me, ” I’ll put it on you.”

Since then our energy is slowly shifting back. Yes, we are still in a tumultuous place where neither of us knows just what will happen. I don’t know if at the next equinox he will choose to continue our D/s relationship, but for the moment I have a bit of confidence knowing that he really does want me here at his feet. Strangely enough, that makes all the other stuff bearable.

This shift started small, “Meet me at my house for dinner.” Not a question, not a request, but an expectation, a demand. When I asked why (that uncontrollable out pouring of insecurity) he replied with, “I think we both need to hear me tell you what you will be doing tonight.”

How little it takes for me to become overwhelmed with my desire for him. How simple it can be to give me that security I need to be patient and wait. How amazingly critical communication is, and how much I have changed in the first three months of this relationship.

Serve you? Yes, please!

We are not alone

Today I took some time to read through some blogs written by submissives, then inspired by my findings I explored a website filled with questions and answers from submissives to some really supportive and informative Dominants. The common themes I found where both inspiring and frightening, it became very clear, very quickly how much I am not alone in my fear and my insecurities.

There is a resounding theme amongst subs the world over, to all of us the sun rises and sets on the man we call Master. Whether a sub or a slave, a girlfriend, a wife or an online lover; in a 24/7 power exchange, a live in situation, or a couple of nights a week, we need our Dom to feel complete. For every one of us our power comes from our submission and our pleasure, our happiness, our desire stems from knowing that our submission brings our Dom unmeasurable, unparalleled joy.

When things are good, when we feel their attentiveness, when we are sure of our place at their side or at their feet then we are on top of the world. No power on earth could wipe the smile from our faces, we greet the world with a glow that emanates from within and to look at us you can see that we are an immovable force. We gain our strength by relinquishing our control, and that is not for the weak at heart; for how many of you could arch up to greet the snap of a thick leather belt as it dances up and down your backside.

Yet when the coin is flipped, when we realize or imagine that their attention has faded or waned, it is as if the world has ended. Oh yes, we know we will survive, we know that we will move on, but a part of us went with them. One blog I read told the story of a sub who’s Dom proposed, only to find he had been emailing his ex, telling her the day after he proposed that he missed her and the thought of her excited him. She talked about struggling to find the heart to forgive him, and when she finally was able to, she couldn’t figure out how to regain the trust that was necessary for her to submit to him in the bedroom.

This woman’s story struck a cord with me. How many of us have found ourselves doubting our worth because of something someone else has done? How many of us questioned our worth and thought ourselves lacking because we lay all that we are at the feet of someone who can choose to love us or abandon us.

I drove home from work thinking about her, and myself. I want to cup her face in my hands, look into her eyes and tell her, “You offer the most precious gift to him. In submitting you give him more than just the key to your heart. You trust him with your mind, your emotional well being, your love and your adoration. In kneeling at his feet you offer him more than any other woman could, but you owe it to yourself not to give too willingly. He must be the caretaker, he needs to truly deserve all that you have to offer. Love yourself, please, love yourself.”

So where ever you are in life, where ever you are in your journey of submission, know that you are not alone. There are others out there who feel your uncertainty, your excitement and your fear.