“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
― Anaïs Nin
It’s time to do a little venting. I’ve been on Fetlife for a while now, and I’ve had the benefit of meeting some really amazing people, I’ve also met my fair share of dicks…..Today was a day for dicks, and yes people, some of you Doms can be dicks.
Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the only sub-like person out there who doesn’t want to hear or read the word cunt in your first five messages…..maybe I’m crazy for needing to be actually turned on before that word become acceptable….is that really too much to ask?
Am I a dirty slut? You better believe it, but am I a dirty little slut for just anyone? No, that would make me an idiot, and my mama didn’t raise no fool.
I like so many subs out there, I started off on my journey not knowing my worth. However, after just three short months I’ve learned two very important things, that as a sub I am much more desirable that I once believed I was and that I have the right, and the opportunity to be discriminating.
I am offering you a gift. My submission is worth more than you know or can imagine. I am worth every minute that you put into getting to know me, and I am worth any effort that is expelled in gaining my submission. Don’t treat me like I’m not human, unless I ask that of you. Don’t call me a slut until I’m willing to be one with you, and don’t for a second believe that I have to do what you tell me unless I want to.
So, in closing, please don’t demand that I ‘describe my cunt in detail’ before we have actually had a conversation, there is so much more to me than that. Please don’t get pissed off at me for not giving you my first name and my phone number with in our first three messages…..and please keep in mind that if you actually want to see what is underneath my night gown, I expect that you actually try to gain the attention of the mind that is wearing it.
The past few months have been a real eye opener for me. Since parting ways with my Dom/vanilla bf, I have found myself in a very interesting position. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to keep the BDSM side of my life, and that I eventually want a real life relationship that will encourage both my vanilla and my sub side. The difficulty then becomes how does one go about finding it…..
I’m sure a bunch of you will have read some of my experiences with other Dom’s. I’ve had my fair share of the ‘online’ Dom, the ‘I’m single-but’ Dom, and the every popular ‘I’m totally dominant, I had a girlfriend who liked me to spank her’ Dom. These guys aren’t for me, and if you’re out there looking for something real, these guys aren’t for you. I was so afraid to step out into the ‘community’. I was petrified that I would be found out, that someone in my every day life would see me and ‘out’ me so to speak. I’ve avoided munches and group events for years thinking that it would disgust the people around me and ruin my career…… And then I just fucking did it.
Three months ago I took a chance and found some local events on Fetlife, the Facebook of the kinky side. I went out to an event called Rascals, and since that day, that moment I stepped through those doors and saw people like me, enjoying what I do with no shame and no guilt, I have been glad that I did.
I went afraid that I would be found out, and realized very quickly that everyone takes their privacy very seriously. You aren’t even allowed to be seen with your phone, they aren’t allowed on the premise. I went afraid that in not knowing anyone I would be shunned and ignored, in fact I was passed from one person to the next and introduced to nearly everyone within moments of arriving.
I’ve made a few faux pas since moving out into this world, some because I didn’t know better, others because I was afraid of being alone, and what that would mean to me and others. In the end though, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some amazing people and for the first time in a long time I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve even got a chance to write for FetVancouver. Life is starting to come along.
So to all of you too afraid to step out from behind your screens, suck it up buttercup. There is a big ol’ kinky world waiting for you, and yes we are all just as fucked up and scared as you.
Today I read a post by The Kinky World Of Vile, he was writing about what it meant for someone, in his case a man, to own a slave. Now let me preface this by saying I have never considered myself a slave….My ex used the term to describe me many a time after I told him about my kink, and it left me feeling sick to my stomach. The thought of being owned by such a weakling who could not pay his bills on time if it were not for me, made me physically ill.
However today when I was reading Vile’s description of a slave I started to wonder. As I grow under my Dom’s care, I’m left questioning the definitions of myself that I came into this with. The limits that I once thought were hard limits have changed and slowly I’m moving into a place I never expected to.
Vile describes subs as codependent, was I not just talking to my Dom about this? How I’ve slowly come to a place where my world seemingly revolves around him? He describes us a needy……and holy hell am I needy. In his eyes we are introverts, uncomfortable in busy homes with lots of friends, we are reclusive, withdrawn. (Can I just hold my hand up so you get the picture?)
He says that slaves do not want to make their daily decisions. Well here I must say, that I would like to choose my clothing, most of the time. But when it comes to whether or not I’m coming for dinner or spending the night, I get a secret thrill from being told, “You will be in my bed tonight.”
When he says that we do not like to be left alone, to our own he was right, I don’t. I can some times be so needy that just not hearing from my Dom can send me spiraling back to a place I’d rather forget I’ve been. When my Dom left town two weeks ago, speaking to him only once per day felt like torture. Not sleeping beside him or at his feet had me so wound up at the first sign of trouble it was all that I could do not to break things off and go into hiding as is my way.
I like routine, I like structure and I like to know my place…….Does this mean I’m more slave than sub? What is the difference?
I don’t call him Master, my ex wanted that. I can’t have him call me slave, but when he calls me kitten my insides melt and I purr beneath his touch. The anticipation of my new collar has me wet day in and day out…and slowly but surely my kink is evolving. To the point where I look in the mirror and instead of saying, “who are you?” I’m asking, “where have you been all this time?”
To say I’ve been looking to have an element of BDSM in my life for a while, an understatement. Since the fall of my 16th year when I found the Hellion, written by Beatrice Small, I’ve been fascinated by this exciting element. Since then I have spent many hours exploring the web looking for that Dominant Yin to my Submissive Yang. Like with Fifty Shades of Grey, the Hellion lit the fire within my soul, and I have been passively searching for my ‘Guy’.
Only I wish I could tell you that it was all a part of a very positive experience. I was smarter than some, but foolish like so many others before me, and whether by sheer luck or divine intervention I managed to remain unscathed. There are many who have not been as lucky.
I understand the thrill that comes from finding another who promises all that we seek, and part of that thrill is the element of danger that comes from the positions we place ourselves in. Even so, I was blessed to be given, forced to hear some very powerful warnings, which thankfully have lingered in the back of my mind. It was these voices of the women before me who where not so lucky, that kept me out of danger. Today I hope to be that voice for you.
You see, BDSM is like dating in that you can never be sure that you’re getting exactly what you signed on for. Online dating is even more of a risk, there is a chance, regardless of how careful you think you are being, that everything that person has told you will be a partial or entire lie. There are many stories out there of people who have thought they were in a relationship with someone online who turned out to be married (happened to me), thought they were dating a woman and it turned out to be a man. There are even more stories about people who have met men or women in the dating world either real or online, only to find themselves faced with a stalker (again a story I unfortunately have), an abuser, or worse. The sad reality is that people are often not what they seem and you need to go into dating and BDSM with that in mind.
With submission comes a risk unlike any found in the more traditional vanilla relationships. Yes both the vanilla beans, both male and feature, and those of us navigating the fetish filled world are at risk of things like date rape, bad taste or obsessive personalities. Only when I am setting up a D/s date, when I choose a partner either for a long term relationship or a one night stand, I give them everything. My physical, emotional, mental and sometimes spiritual well being are placed in the hands of a man or woman who have the potential to do very real damage to my body, my mind and my spirit. A one night stand for us brings with it more risk and requires more thought and preparation on our parts to ensure that we are able to feel that rush again in the future.
One of the first sites I found when I started looking into dominance and submission was a submissives journey. Once upon a time I found this site helpful, they set you up with either a Dom or sub account, over the past few years I have just found it too rule heavy, which might seem funny from a girl like me. When I signed up, the first thing you came to was beautifully written letter from a well known sub on this site. She spoke to me saying that she knew how exciting it was to be starting out, and how eager I would be to submit, and how easy it would be to get carried away with my excitement. Her story went on to describe her first experience, with a Dom who took things too far leaving her permanently scarred mentally, emotionally and physically.
In D/s it is all too easy to take things too far, and often times you don’t even know that it’s happened until it’s too late……Don’t believe me? Take some time and read about my first Bad Scene (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). For me my first ‘bad’ BDSM experience didn’t end in permanent scarring, it didn’t result in the end of my relationship or anything like that. I was lucky, I am lucky, but I wasn’t always.
If you’re scared, I’m glad. The world is a big, bad, dangerous place and you can find an amazing Dom who will care for you as they bring you to places unimagined, but you have to choose carefully. Over the next few weeks, I’ll tell you my secrets, my good experiences, my bad experiences, some great sex, some bad sex and some things I wish I could forget….So stay tuned, but most importantly, stay safe.