The Fog

It’s often hard to explain mental health issues to people who have never been afflicted or interacted with someone afflicted by them. They just don’t have the capacity for understanding, or at least haven’t with the explanations I’d tried to give before now. Lately, since my new diagnosis and this life-changing drug, I’ve found the best way for me to describe my personal journey. 

All my life I’ve been walking in a fog of anxiety and depression. A dense, damp fog that surrounded and clung to me like a thick blanket drenched in cold water. Even though I knew there was more to life than anxiety and depression, I couldn’t see beyond that fog. 

Over the last six years, as meds that worked were introduced, I took a few steps out of the fog, revealing shadows of the life outside. They were dark and blurry, indistinguishable at times but visible none the less. After the worst of the side effects brought on by the introduction of a beast called Lamotrigine, every week when we upped my dose, I took another step out of the fog. 

I still struggled each time we increased it. The thoughts running through my mind did not always sound like me, I had insomnia and nightmares when I did sleep. Still, I took a step out of that fog every time.

A weight lifted off me, giving me the ability to control my emotions and my thoughts that up until then had free reign inside that stifling fog. 

It was liberating.

My bipolar diagnosis was like finding the key puzzle piece that brought the picture of my life together in a way that finally made sense. The medication was a lifeline, a refuge, a trail of bread crumbs leading me to safety.

I can regret the choices made in my darkest hours, I can’t for the life of me regret the moments that led me to this place. The realizations, the freedom and control that have come from it, have been worth it. 

I believe people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I thought he’d be a life time…maybe he was simply here for a reason…to help me find that missing piece. 

I should walk away, but I’ve still sent ridiculously long emails begging for another chance. I betrayed him in an unforgiveable way and should let him go so that he can find someone who deserves the investment and care that he gives…but I can’t seem to. 

Has anyone else out there betrayed someone they loved and then struggled so hard to watch them walk away?

How did you move on?

How did you let go of the line that bound you together? 

Fate or Coincidence

I found him first, and then he found me

Two worlds collided, the reason unseen

He’d call it coincidence, and I’d call fate

Whatever reason we met for our date

He led with his mind and I, with my heart

Yet there was chemistry right from the start

He’d meet every argument with research and fact

I relied on instinct, prone to overreact

He knew what he wanted, and I was unsure

He’s filled with confidence, where I’m insecure

His life, like his home, is uncluttered and clean

For me it’s been complicated, a sight best left unseen

For him, everything sits in its chosen place

Yet my cluttered life I still struggle to face

He gave me everything, and I threw it away

A few bad decisions I regret to this day

He’ll never forgive me, I’m not sure he should

I’d still beg on my knees if I thought that he would

It’s hard to imagine how things could be

If I’d never betrayed him, or if he’d never met me

There’s no going back, as much as I’ve tried

My life feels so empty, I’ve no tears left to cry

Still life goes on, at least so they say

One step, then another, I’ll soon find my way


Today the love of my life, my dog not my Dom, had to have surgery. It was painful for me to watch them lead her away as she quivered and shook with fear. I cried on the way home knowing how scared and alone she must have felt. Today I worked from home and God bless him my Dom worked with me, sitting on the couch as I sat on the floor at his side. I’m not going to pretend I was productive, I was far from it, I worried all day, and when I wasn’t worried about her I transferred my worry onto my relationship with my Dom.

I’m good at transference, I’m good at turning little worries into big worries, and when it seems like there is nothing to worry about, I become the world champion of creating something out of seemingly nothing. Today was no different.

This evening my Dom and his daughter drove me to get my angel, and he stood beside me as I fretted and panicked as I  heard her bark in pain. When then my bank card said that the cost of the surgery exceeded my daily withdrawal limit, he didn’t hesitate to cover the cost until we could get to a bank machine. Each time I feel near to tears as I lie beside her on the floor, he reminds me that she is fine, we are fine.

I’m reminded tonight as l watch my dog for every hitch in her breathing, rubbing her belly to help her sleep, that as a pet owner I have the same responsibility for my dog that my Dom has taken on for me. With all that I do I strive to provide a safe, loving environment where my pet can flourish. I am responsible not just for her body, but her mind and her emotional well being. When she is hurting, scared or worried, I am hurt scared and worried. When she is happy and enthusiastic about life, it is hard not to smile at the joy on her face.

Taking on a sub is like adopting a pet, it is a commitment, it is challenging work that can be really rewarding and really exhausting at the same time. I caution Doms as I caution subs, don’t enter into a contract lightly, remember that more is involved than just sex. A sub relies on you to be the center of her gravity, with out your strength in trying times this kind of agreement can be too much to handle. Now that is not to say that Doms cannot be human too, but that is a thought for another day.