How to kill my mother in four sentences or less

Today, while I was sitting in the Tim Hortons by my work, telling my mother and uncle about the new guy I’m seeing a very funny thought crossed my mind. What exactly would happen if I told these people who have known me all my life exactly the kind of relationship I have with this new man?

You see, my mother may pretend to be progressive, she may pretend to be accepting and modern in her thinking; but when it comes to sex, that carnal act between man and woman, woman and woman, man and man or any variation in between, my so called “free thinking” mother becomes one hell of a prude.

For instance, when I turned 19 and got a tongue ring it took me about three hours to figure out exactly why she was so disgusted by it. She was so disgusted by it that she couldn’t even look at it. Not because of the piercing, oh no, my mother thinks tongues are dirty.

You try and talk about sex and she gets this deer in the head lights look, her face goes red and she starts to squirm in her seat. It’s actually quite funny, I’ll admit, from time to time I do use her discomfort for my own enjoyment.

It makes me wonder though if she’s ever really enjoyed sex…..I do, a lot. I think I’ve made it my life’s mission to give the best head possible, even with the tongue ring gone. This one of many fundamental differences between my mother an I.

So today I started thinking evil, wicked thoughts. My family has reacted quite well to the fact that my Dom is 14 years my senior. My mother shrugged and said, “you’ve always been older than your years.” They didn’t mind that he has a 9 year old, in fact my mother can’t wait to meet her.

I really don’t think the same could be said about my love of BDSM. I don’t know how I would describe our relationship in such a way that wouldn’t cause her to have a coronary or launch into a homicidal rage.

How about…..

“Hi Mum, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, he’s a Dom and I am his submissive. No I’m serious, on the way over here I begged him to pull over and finger me until I came, I didn’t think I would until he wrapped his hand around my throat. I have to say, of the four I’ve had today, that was definitely the best orgasm.”

Maybe that’s a bit much, lets try for short and sweet shall we?

“Hi Mum you remember my boyfriend don’t you? Oh these marks? Well before you came over I was hog tied on the kitchen table while he came all over me.”

Still too much? Hummm, how about this…

“Is he THE one? Well if you mean is he the guy I begged to mark my ass with his cane, the one I bare my neck to in anticipation of a dozen teeth marks along my collar bone, the one who ties me up at his feet while he works and the one I’ve promised to obey without question for the next three months, then yes….I think he’s the one.”

Just thinking about the look on my mother’s face has me giggling in wickedly evil glee.