Vile’s word…..Slave

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Image found on Facebook.

Today I read a post by The Kinky World Of Vile, he was writing about what it meant for someone, in his case a man, to own a slave. Now let me preface this by saying I have never considered myself a slave….My ex used the term to describe me many a time after I told him about my kink, and it left me feeling sick to my stomach. The thought of being owned by such a weakling who could not pay his bills on time if it were not for me, made me physically ill.

However today when I was reading Vile’s description of a slave I started to wonder. As I grow under my Dom’s care, I’m left questioning the definitions of myself that I came into this with. The limits that I once thought were hard limits have changed and slowly I’m moving into a place I never expected to.

Vile describes subs as codependent, was I not just talking to my Dom about this? How I’ve slowly come to a place where my world seemingly revolves around him? He describes us a needy……and holy hell am I needy. In his eyes we are introverts, uncomfortable in busy homes with lots of friends, we are reclusive, withdrawn. (Can I just hold my hand up so you get the picture?)

He says that slaves do not want to make their daily decisions. Well here I must say, that I would like to choose my clothing, most of the time. But when it comes to whether or not I’m coming for dinner or spending the night, I get a secret thrill from being told, “You will be in my bed tonight.”

When he says that we do not like to be left alone, to our own he was right, I don’t. I can some times be so needy that just not hearing from my Dom can send me spiraling back to a place I’d rather forget I’ve been. When my Dom left town two weeks ago, speaking to him only once per day felt like torture. Not sleeping beside him or at his feet had me so wound up at the first sign of trouble it was all that I could do not to break things off and go into hiding as is my way.

I like routine, I like structure and I like to know my place…….Does this mean I’m more slave than sub? What is the difference?

I don’t call him Master, my ex wanted that. I can’t have him call me slave, but when he calls me kitten my insides melt and I purr beneath his touch. The anticipation of my new collar has me wet day in and day out…and slowly but surely my kink is evolving. To the point where I look in the mirror and instead of saying, “who are you?” I’m asking, “where have you been all this time?”

Middle ground

I have learned something about myself in the thirty years I’ve been wandering this earth, there is very little middle ground for me.

When I get a craving for Brussell sprouts, red meat or watermelon, it consumes my thoughts and nothing will satisfy me until that craving is met. If I dislike a food, I abhor it…..just ask me to what ends I will go to avoid the evil often referred to as the pea.

When I find a book I love, there is no such thing as reading one chapter per night. No, this obsessive book worm will not put her find down until the last page has been devoured. If I find within the first few pages or chapters that I dislike a book, no force on earth could inspire me to finish it.

When I love someone or something, I love them with every inch of my being; when that love is gone, it’s gone…..no half way, no reconciliation.

It is this type of obsessiveness that has led to the demise of more than one past relationship. Whether my passion, my desire for the other is much too much to handle, or my desire for that next step becomes either my undoing or theirs, I never really know.

This week I’ve felt the same ups and downs that have haunted me throughout these failed relationships. That panic that comes from seeing something I desperately want, but not daring to truly let myself want it, or even at times think about it.

With age comes patience, or so they tell me. I thought for myself it was a better understanding of what I wanted, which now I realize is only partly true. I think most of my patience came from thinking no one would ever want me the way I really want to be loved.

I’ve been expecting my Dom to choose something, someone better, this is inspired as much by my insecurity as it is by any lack of surety on his part. I haven’t let myself imagine a future with him because I never really believed it could be a reality.

The realization that I’ve been controlling our relationship in my own obsessive and twisted way hit me pretty hard Tuesday night. All along I’ve been using my fear as a tool to push him away. I’ve convinced myself this is temporary, and once faced with the idea that he could actually, honestly want more, it threw me for a loop.

I love submitting to him, if I could find a way to do that without being this vulnerable, I would…but I don’t think I can. I think the vulnerability goes hand in hand with submission.

So he will read this, and hopefully understand that I’m trying. I’m trying to let go of my fear, trying to give him more than just my will, more than just my love. I am also trying to give him my trust. I am trying not to live a life of fear, because that would imply I don’t have faith in him.

How do you explain that you can’t trust not because he is not trust worthy, but because those before him were not.

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Don’t mistake me

After a week of illness I am back, and ready to tackle a subject I have been hesitant to touch on as of yet.

There is this misconception through out the vanilla community, women to be specific, that to be submissive is to declare a war on feminism. They believe that submission in one such as me means that I believe I am not the equal to men; that I believe my worth, intelligence and value as a worker or even as a human is less than that of my male counter parts.

To them I shake my little blonde head and smile indulgently.

I am by no means a weak woman. I know my worth to my family, my friends, and my employer. I know that in any vanilla relationship I am well worth any emotional upheaval I may put you through.

Just because I give myself over to a man after careful consideration, does not mean I believe that every man out there is my equal, let alone my superior.

I guess you could say I am offended by this misunderstanding. I struggle with websites that insist I call everyone Sir, not because I wish to be rude, or even that I would be less than respectful, but because as my Dom would say:

“You bow your head to no one but me.”

I am very selective with giving any part of myself away, I do not trust easily, and because of this I believe it is worth more. When I gave myself to him, he knew that it was because I saw in him those special traits I could see in no other.

Weakness is not valued in Doms, nor in subs. What thrill is there in dominating anyone who will lay down to anyone who claims to be a dominant? Isn’t there some unique pleasure to be obtained from receiving the submission of one who demands respect from the world?

Do not mistake my submission for weakness…..I will surprise you.

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Tuesday’s Food For Thought….Self Sabotage

Today’s post did not come easily to me, last night my grandmother passed away and since then, I’ve been a little consumed by my grief and a little self pity. A few unsettling things have been rolling around in my head, I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt from my past, a lot of hard memories and a lot of old ideas about myself and my family.

I spent tonight wallowing in my misery, eating cookies and watching sappy movies, thinking about love and life and family.  Then my topic hit me, how many of us let old ideas, misconceptions about ourselves, or fears of other people guide the way we live our lives? How many of us self sabotage, and let our pasts affect and sometimes ruin our futures?

I’m guilty of this, in every aspect of my life. I struggle to succeed at work because I remember a time that I felt like a failure. I struggle to maintain my relationships with my family because bad memories are so much easier to hold onto than good ones. I ruin relationships because deep down I don’t think I’m worth the kind of person I would like to have in my life.

I know this isn’t necessarily a post about submission, or really about domination, but I’ve read a few blogs by some people who really seem to feel like I did today. It felt like something I need to say, not just for them, but for me as well.

A few years ago I was talking to my sister about struggling with life. I told her that every day we wake up we choose to take one of two roads, the road that leads us to the life we want to live or the road that looks familiar, the one that takes us to comfortable places that we remember. On the first path we are faced with the constant fear of the unknown. We will fumble along the way, we may get lost and have to find a way back, its hard but eventually we will end up where we wanted to be. The second path is definitely easier, it looks safer because it’s lined with familiar faces, feelings and ideas about life, the universe, and everything, but often times it leads us to a place where we repeat the same mistakes we’ve already made or those made by our parents.

Every day we have that choice, and every day it’s up to us to ensure that we are making the right choice for who we are and who we want to be. I know all too well how easy it is to live in this self pitying state, how easy it is to turn to someone for validation of who I am and who I would like to be, but that’s not who I choose to be.

Yes I am a submissive, and that is a huge part of who I am, but I am not defined only by the man I choose to give myself to. I am not a weak woman floating from one wrong man to another. I am not incompetent at my job. I am not the failure I seem to think that others see me as. I am capable, I am compassionate, I am loving, I am worthy, and I have chosen this life.

I will wake up tomorrow knowing that my life choices up to this point have not been made in vain. Every bad relationship, every clumsy career move has brought me to this place in my life, and although it is not without it’s struggles it’s a pretty good place. I will wake up tomorrow grateful for the small blessings in my life, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, the health and well being of the people I love.

I will greet the world unafraid of what it might bring my way because the truth is, whatever greets me, good or bad, I can handle.

My goal in life is not to merely survive. I will thrive.