On mornings like this when I wake up long before the sun with my heart and mind racing, with panic weighing heavy on my chest, I wish that I was bound next to someone.

I know that it’s not particularly safe and things can go wrong to be wrapped in rope while sleeping, but I feel that there would be some soothing element of being tethered someone or something next to me.

A reminder that I’m not fighting these demons alone. An anchor in my storm, connecting me with earth and reality, ideally to Him. That vision in my head of the man who would want control over me, over all of me. The good, the bad, and the overly anxious.

For now, I lie here alone although there are people near. I am lost in the chaos that writhes inside me, lost to this feeling of worry, this lack of control, this loneliness.

Where is the line between needing this as a balanced part of life and using BDSM as a crutch?

Is this a normal part of the power dynamic I seek? Or am I misreading my need?

It’s so hard to tell sometimes.

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