Try as we might…

It’s been years since I’ve come back to this blog, and even longer since I’ve sat down to write for it. Time and again, however, I keep coming back to this piece in my life.

You see, for the last few years I’ve been lying to myself. I’m good at that, so much better at lying to myself than to others. I’ve been telling myself that the BDSM I crave was a symptom of my anxiety and a side effect of a rough childhood and some PTSD.

I’ve been getting help for that mental Illness over the past few years. At first I craved the bondage as a way to fight that feeling of being wildly out of control. I needed the pain to pull me out of the anxiety and back into the moment. I struck this up to a damaged psyche.

When my meds started to kick in, the need for those things was lost in the haze that comes from a chemical recalibration. I found myself in a vanilla relationship that seemingly met my needs. For a time I thought I was ‘cured’, that my mental health took me from the place of needing pain and control from someone outside myself.

Over the last few months, the last year really, as other pieces in my life started to fall into place and that need slowly arose again…I started seeing the truth in the lie.

I started to see that my relationship as good as it was in some ways, was doing extreme damage in others. I had been afraid to voice my need because I was worried about my partners feelings. I’d started caring more about him and his feelings than me and my mental, emotional, and physical needs.

Isn’t that something so natural for those of us who subscribe to that submissive mindset? We’re hard wired to tune into that other in our life, and to put their needs before our own. In the hands of the right person it can lead to us feeling whole and complete, but in the hands of the wrong one…it can do unparalleled damage.

Have you ever wondered why romance and BDSM novels always seem to feature a rich and powerful man who rules his world and dominates those around him with a fearless authority? It’s because we have been preconditioned to believe that rich, arrogant, and confident means together, powerful and in control. We believe that those things make a good Dom, but I don’t agree.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what I want or need in a partnership. Like many people, I’ve changed over the last few years and will continue to evolve over the rest of my life time. I know now that I will need a piece of BDSM in my life, I’m not sure I could live without it any longer.

However, I need other things too.

I need to find a man who knows himself, very well, so well that when he comes into a relationship with me he is uncompromising in retaining that separate identity. He needs a life and passions outside of me, and must have a strong desire to constantly better himself. He will need to be as dedicated to me as I will be to him, and yet he ok on his own without me.

Above all else, I need to find myself first. To look in the mirror and not only recognize the woman looking back at me, but to be happy and confident to wear her smile into public. I need to be ok alone, to focus on my writing and my work, and to start thriving and not just surviving.

To the Dom of my future, I hope, I hope very much that you are out there waiting for me. I hope that when you meet you will see me across a room and know without a doubt that you want to meet me, to get to know me, and to see me shiver in ecstasy under you.

I hope you will be patient with me, and I hope that by the time we meet I will be ready for you.

Until then….

I’m going to delve into the world of self bondage and possibly find a play partner who can help me scratch the occasional itch while I find myself.

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