To say I’ve been looking to have an element of BDSM in my life for a while, an understatement. Since the fall of my 16th year when I found the Hellion, written by Beatrice Small, I’ve been fascinated by this exciting element. Since then I have spent many hours exploring the web looking for that Dominant Yin to my Submissive Yang. Like with Fifty Shades of Grey, the Hellion lit the fire within my soul, and I have been passively searching for my ‘Guy’.
Only I wish I could tell you that it was all a part of a very positive experience. I was smarter than some, but foolish like so many others before me, and whether by sheer luck or divine intervention I managed to remain unscathed. There are many who have not been as lucky.
I understand the thrill that comes from finding another who promises all that we seek, and part of that thrill is the element of danger that comes from the positions we place ourselves in. Even so, I was blessed to be given, forced to hear some very powerful warnings, which thankfully have lingered in the back of my mind. It was these voices of the women before me who where not so lucky, that kept me out of danger. Today I hope to be that voice for you.
You see, BDSM is like dating in that you can never be sure that you’re getting exactly what you signed on for. Online dating is even more of a risk, there is a chance, regardless of how careful you think you are being, that everything that person has told you will be a partial or entire lie. There are many stories out there of people who have thought they were in a relationship with someone online who turned out to be married (happened to me), thought they were dating a woman and it turned out to be a man. There are even more stories about people who have met men or women in the dating world either real or online, only to find themselves faced with a stalker (again a story I unfortunately have), an abuser, or worse. The sad reality is that people are often not what they seem and you need to go into dating and BDSM with that in mind.
With submission comes a risk unlike any found in the more traditional vanilla relationships. Yes both the vanilla beans, both male and feature, and those of us navigating the fetish filled world are at risk of things like date rape, bad taste or obsessive personalities. Only when I am setting up a D/s date, when I choose a partner either for a long term relationship or a one night stand, I give them everything. My physical, emotional, mental and sometimes spiritual well being are placed in the hands of a man or woman who have the potential to do very real damage to my body, my mind and my spirit. A one night stand for us brings with it more risk and requires more thought and preparation on our parts to ensure that we are able to feel that rush again in the future.
One of the first sites I found when I started looking into dominance and submission was a submissives journey. Once upon a time I found this site helpful, they set you up with either a Dom or sub account, over the past few years I have just found it too rule heavy, which might seem funny from a girl like me. When I signed up, the first thing you came to was beautifully written letter from a well known sub on this site. She spoke to me saying that she knew how exciting it was to be starting out, and how eager I would be to submit, and how easy it would be to get carried away with my excitement. Her story went on to describe her first experience, with a Dom who took things too far leaving her permanently scarred mentally, emotionally and physically.
In D/s it is all too easy to take things too far, and often times you don’t even know that it’s happened until it’s too late……Don’t believe me? Take some time and read about my first Bad Scene (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). For me my first ‘bad’ BDSM experience didn’t end in permanent scarring, it didn’t result in the end of my relationship or anything like that. I was lucky, I am lucky, but I wasn’t always.
If you’re scared, I’m glad. The world is a big, bad, dangerous place and you can find an amazing Dom who will care for you as they bring you to places unimagined, but you have to choose carefully. Over the next few weeks, I’ll tell you my secrets, my good experiences, my bad experiences, some great sex, some bad sex and some things I wish I could forget….So stay tuned, but most importantly, stay safe.