“What are you thinking?” He asked looking over at me with that quirked eyebrow I’d come to know so well. With a small, fake smile I shake my head and turn back to my dinner. A few seconds later I glance back up to catch him watching me with that look that says I won’t be getting away with this. “No really,” he nods at me, “what were you thinking?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and take a deep breath; I knew this was coming. After glancing in his eyes, I shivered and let them drop down to the table. Quietly he said my name and with another shuddering breath I answered him.
“I’m sorry for how I left yesterday morning,” I whispered, completely unable to meet his gaze. My guilt had been haunting me, when he stood above me the night before last as I lay on his couch, it was clear he could see on my face what I was thinking. My guilt came from him not understanding how close I came to doing what I always do…..running.
“You were upset, I understand that,” he replied, his voice dropping to prevent the neighbouring tables from hearing our conversation. From his tone I could tell we hadn’t yet crossed over that grey line between two people who were dating, and what we had become behind closed doors, but it was coming.
“I wasn’t just upset,” with my down cast eyes and the softness in my voice; I’ve moved us passed that grey line. Part of me tells myself that I can fake my way through this, he doesn’t need to know, but that little voice that cannot be ignored speaks up from her place in the corner, and reminds me what I’ve promised him; honesty, total and often brutal honesty.
Patiently as always, he waited for me to continue, expertly exerting his power over me with nothing more than a look and his energy. I bite my lip in my nervousness and meet his gaze over the top rim of my glasses. Our eyes meet and even with this stress I feel the calm that only comes from being near him seep throughout my being.
“I was trying to leave without waking you,” I let my words sink in, registering the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes as the realization of what that meant came to him.
“Good luck,” he told me straight faced as I zealously chewed my bottom lip making my dinner jealous. “Good luck trying to ever leave without waking me.” There was more; he knew it and I knew it, we just both waited for me to continue.
“I was ready to leave yesterday morning without talking to you, waking you.” There was a glint in his eyes that told me everything I already knew; that would have been the wrong thing to do.
“You were scared,” he added finally after I failed to continue.
“Not of you,” I quickly replied; never of you, I thought to myself. “It’s my nature to run,” I murmured as both of us glanced up at the person walking passed our table. Briefly our eyes met and I quickly dropped them again; embarrassed by my cowardice, and unable to be that vulnerable with him. “When I’m scared of being hurt my first instinct is to run before it gets to that.”
There was a moment of pause before he spoke. Before the first word had passed from his lips I felt the shift in our energy. This was no longer me talking to a man who called me his ‘partner’; this was my Dom addressing his sub, about to tell me in no uncertain terms what he thought about that.
“There is no way in hell you could run from me,” his words were softened by the quiet sound of his voice drifting across the table. “No matter where you went I would find you. You’ve made a commitment to me, until solstice,” he reminded me, pointing at the amulet around my neck.
Habit made me reach for the large circular amulet resting on its silver chain above my breasts. In the time we had spent exploring each other, I had stared at it nearly every day as it sat on his dresser. It had taken what felt like forever before he let me wear it, but like he had promised it had been well worth the wait.
“You could safeword out every time you saw me,” he continued, nothing outwardly changing to the untrained eye, but everything changing between us, “and I would respect that; but you made me a commitment until solstice, and I won’t let you run from me.”
There was no threat in his voice, our relationship had never needed that element of fear; instead there was a quiet strength, a confidence that implied everything I needed to submit to him. From his place across from me, this man who held so much of what, for the moment, seemed essential to my sense of self and my sense of peace, watched me; quietly gauging my reaction to his softly spoken declaration.