Middle ground

I have learned something about myself in the thirty years I’ve been wandering this earth, there is very little middle ground for me.

When I get a craving for Brussell sprouts, red meat or watermelon, it consumes my thoughts and nothing will satisfy me until that craving is met. If I dislike a food, I abhor it…..just ask me to what ends I will go to avoid the evil often referred to as the pea.

When I find a book I love, there is no such thing as reading one chapter per night. No, this obsessive book worm will not put her find down until the last page has been devoured. If I find within the first few pages or chapters that I dislike a book, no force on earth could inspire me to finish it.

When I love someone or something, I love them with every inch of my being; when that love is gone, it’s gone…..no half way, no reconciliation.

It is this type of obsessiveness that has led to the demise of more than one past relationship. Whether my passion, my desire for the other is much too much to handle, or my desire for that next step becomes either my undoing or theirs, I never really know.

This week I’ve felt the same ups and downs that have haunted me throughout these failed relationships. That panic that comes from seeing something I desperately want, but not daring to truly let myself want it, or even at times think about it.

With age comes patience, or so they tell me. I thought for myself it was a better understanding of what I wanted, which now I realize is only partly true. I think most of my patience came from thinking no one would ever want me the way I really want to be loved.

I’ve been expecting my Dom to choose something, someone better, this is inspired as much by my insecurity as it is by any lack of surety on his part. I haven’t let myself imagine a future with him because I never really believed it could be a reality.

The realization that I’ve been controlling our relationship in my own obsessive and twisted way hit me pretty hard Tuesday night. All along I’ve been using my fear as a tool to push him away. I’ve convinced myself this is temporary, and once faced with the idea that he could actually, honestly want more, it threw me for a loop.

I love submitting to him, if I could find a way to do that without being this vulnerable, I would…but I don’t think I can. I think the vulnerability goes hand in hand with submission.

So he will read this, and hopefully understand that I’m trying. I’m trying to let go of my fear, trying to give him more than just my will, more than just my love. I am also trying to give him my trust. I am trying not to live a life of fear, because that would imply I don’t have faith in him.

How do you explain that you can’t trust not because he is not trust worthy, but because those before him were not.


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