My Dom and I often struggle balancing between our Dom/sub relationship and more traditional, more vanilla relationship. For both of us this is a first; my first true submissive experience and his first Dominant roll. There are times when the lines between vanilla and D/s are blurred, and what arises is a mess of confusion, miscommunication and emotion.
In real life, and in D/s my biggest fear in life is abandonment. I label myself as commitment phobic not because I don’t want a committed relationship, but because I have become that woman who jumps ship at the first sign of impending danger. When I am with someone who is or seems to be questioning our relationship, it’s become my nature to shut down, pull away and make it very easy for them to do what I think it is that they will do.
Over Christmas such a situation arose for my Dom and I. The last year has been a struggle for both of us, leaving our previous relationships, and eventually finding our way to each other and beginning this more complicated one. Couple that with the stress that comes from Christmas, seeing family and dealing with the changes in our lives, and you have a mess. By the time New Years came around, I found myself testing my Dom while I quietly distanced myself fearing, of course, the absolute worst.
The issue with this meld between vanilla and D/s is that neither party is ever really sure where the lines between relationship and domination are drawn. There is a strong distinction between the man I am dating and the Dom that I serve; both may be the same man who looks at me with that arch of his eye brow when I teasing tell him ‘no’, but although the Dom in him would never take that answer, the man in him respects my rights in our relationship.
So while I test my Dom by ‘forgetting’ to wear my collar, by bringing it with me but intentionally not wearing it or teasingly refusing even the simplest of his demands, the man that I am dating thought that this was my way of saying I was too hurt to continue that part of our relationship because I was questioning whether or not he really wanted to be with me.
The reality of this twisted situation is that my sub side was/is crying out for reassurance. It’s critical for me to know that he wants this to continue, that my submission means that much to him. By not accepting my rebellion, by refusing to allow me to just bow out, by forcing me to safe word out if I truly cannot continue this part of our relationship he is telling me that I matter to him. Maybe that sounds twisted, but for me it makes sense, to my spirit it made sense.
You see, when we first started on this winding road of bondage and submission, a similar wave of insecurity hit me and at that time my Dom, not the man behind him, told me that until our three month trial was up, I belonged to him. That I could safe word out every time I saw him and he would leave me alone, but until that time he would be at my door every day, refusing to let me run away from him and what we had together.
I know I sound like a coward, and really I am, but history and fear have me believing that I’m not worth fighting for. So I continually test people, pushing them away and making it easy for them to walk away, deep down my hope is that I will matter enough that they won’t leave…..but eventually they tend to go after what it is they really want.
A side affect of this is that my panic, my anxiety for constant reassurance from him, from everyone overwhelms and frightens people. I was completely unable to tell him what I needed from him, I knew what I wanted him to say, but I feared how weak it would make me sound. Would he respect me when he heard what it was I wanted from him, would he be able to still see me as the strong woman I pretend to be in the daylight hours?
Finally in the midst of one of a dozen conversations he asked me what I was really thinking.
“I want you to tell me I’m not leaving,” I whispered furiously, at the look of shock on his face I had to turn away. “I want you to tell me to walk in there and put my amulet on and not take it off again.” I pointed to the kitchen where I had purposefully laid my collar/amulet on the counter for both of us to see. All day long I had been waiting, praying he’d tell me to put it back on and when I saw the look of shock on his face, I realized…..he had no idea what I needed.
“You still want to serve me?” he asked, the shock in his voice made me feel a bit better, but still I was near to tears. “Then go get it,” he told me, ” I’ll put it on you.”
Since then our energy is slowly shifting back. Yes, we are still in a tumultuous place where neither of us knows just what will happen. I don’t know if at the next equinox he will choose to continue our D/s relationship, but for the moment I have a bit of confidence knowing that he really does want me here at his feet. Strangely enough, that makes all the other stuff bearable.
This shift started small, “Meet me at my house for dinner.” Not a question, not a request, but an expectation, a demand. When I asked why (that uncontrollable out pouring of insecurity) he replied with, “I think we both need to hear me tell you what you will be doing tonight.”
How little it takes for me to become overwhelmed with my desire for him. How simple it can be to give me that security I need to be patient and wait. How amazingly critical communication is, and how much I have changed in the first three months of this relationship.
Serve you? Yes, please!