He had me at “Triggers”

I’ve talked to my fair share of men online. I’ve swam through the rough waters of plenty of fish, I’ve prowled Craigslist like an alley cat on the hunt for a piece of tail. I’ve put myself out there on A Submissives Journey and CollarMe, and three times now I’ve come back to Fetlife.

In all of those relationships there have been some common themes. They never last, and something always happens to to give me an excuse to push myself away.

Then I lie and say that I did things I didn’t. I go on another hunt for someone else because the first one didn’t quite meet my needs or because I tell myself it just won’t work.

Looking back I can see that for what it was…immaturity and a critical lack of communication.

When I found myself back here, I knew I didn’t want to get to that place again. I don’t want to fake submission, I don’t want this to be another thing in my life I regret not giving everything I have.

So there I was, prowling Fetlife personals when my mind wandered back to a Dom who has checked in with me off and on for the last three years. I’m so used to hunting that I didn’t immediately return to old contacts, I just went searching for new ones.

I sent him a message, and this time when he responded I didn’t throw him some empty one liner. Fetlife messages turned into emails and I was slowly pulled towards him.

Intelligent, articulate, and thoughtful Doms are more rare than I’d like to believe. To find someone who was insistent on knowing me, my thoughts, my kinks, and my faults felt good.

I copped to hunting for men to scratch unfulfilled itches. I admitted that I lie and self sabotage, and that I am bad at communicating sometimes.

Up until that point I was interested, sort of… He was nice, but it felt a little too nice at times. It wasn’t until he pushed to understand the triggers that sent me off into that bad behaviour that he really captured my attention.

The thing I love about Daddy Dom’s is the investment level, the interest they take in a subs health and well being, their mind and their heart. I’m not saying that other Dom’s don’t, just that in my experience there is a level of care that comes from a Daddy that I haven’t found anywhere else.

He asked hard questions, he had some amazing insights into my experiences and my thoughts. He captured my attention in a way no one else has….at least not in a very long time.

Offering the kind of power exchange that seemed to make others uncomfortable, he effortlessly pulled me into his world and with each email made me desperately wanting more.

He told me he expected an investment from me of 110%, because with anything less…why bother.. and before I knew it I was walking away from something else that didn’t quite measure up, because what he offered was so much sweeter.

So here I am, standing at the door to a whole new world. Looking out into this exciting and frightening wilderness that until now has mainly been in my dreams and stories.

The beautiful thing is that this Dom isn’t out there waiting for me. He’s standing a few steps behind, letting me wander out ahead into the jungle to explore all the things my heart has been craving…

All the while he’s acting as the anchor that keeps me from drifting out too far. He is the roots that keep me grounded as I reach for the sky, and that North Star on the darkest night that leads me back home.

I’m looking forward to the new me he will help to create. I am looking forward to embracing my submission in ways I’ve only ever dreamed, and I hope you will follow me on my journey.

Fog

Fog Drifts Through Pine Trees Canvas Print / Canvas Art by Bill Hatcher

My life right now is a lot like a long walk through a dense fog. The damp, cold air clings to me, like the disappointed hopes and unfortunate realizations that seem to haunt me these days. The hurt I caused clouds around me, making it impossible to see much more beyond the tree tops in the distance.

Those trees, with their sharp edges and clearly undefined details, are the only representation of the hope I have. They act as a lighthouse in the distance, a reminder that the forest is calling for me. The right relationship is calling to me. I know the forest will welcome me when I get there, that it will accept me as I am, or at least I hope.

I know I can’t live in the fog forever. Each day it presses closer in on me. Each night my blood runs a little colder. Each day I push further and further into the dense blanket of grey around me searching for a burst of colour, searching for some beacon in the darkness.

Anchor

On mornings like this when I wake up long before the sun with my heart and mind racing, with panic weighing heavy on my chest, I wish that I was bound next to someone.

I know that it’s not particularly safe and things can go wrong to be wrapped in rope while sleeping, but I feel that there would be some soothing element of being tethered someone or something next to me.

A reminder that I’m not fighting these demons alone. An anchor in my storm, connecting me with earth and reality, ideally to Him. That vision in my head of the man who would want control over me, over all of me. The good, the bad, and the overly anxious.

For now, I lie here alone although there are people near. I am lost in the chaos that writhes inside me, lost to this feeling of worry, this lack of control, this loneliness.

Where is the line between needing this as a balanced part of life and using BDSM as a crutch?

Is this a normal part of the power dynamic I seek? Or am I misreading my need?

It’s so hard to tell sometimes.

Try as we might…

It’s been years since I’ve come back to this blog, and even longer since I’ve sat down to write for it. Time and again, however, I keep coming back to this piece in my life.

You see, for the last few years I’ve been lying to myself. I’m good at that, so much better at lying to myself than to others. I’ve been telling myself that the BDSM I crave was a symptom of my anxiety and a side effect of a rough childhood and some PTSD.

I’ve been getting help for that mental Illness over the past few years. At first I craved the bondage as a way to fight that feeling of being wildly out of control. I needed the pain to pull me out of the anxiety and back into the moment. I struck this up to a damaged psyche.

When my meds started to kick in, the need for those things was lost in the haze that comes from a chemical recalibration. I found myself in a vanilla relationship that seemingly met my needs. For a time I thought I was ‘cured’, that my mental health took me from the place of needing pain and control from someone outside myself.

Over the last few months, the last year really, as other pieces in my life started to fall into place and that need slowly arose again…I started seeing the truth in the lie.

I started to see that my relationship as good as it was in some ways, was doing extreme damage in others. I had been afraid to voice my need because I was worried about my partners feelings. I’d started caring more about him and his feelings than me and my mental, emotional, and physical needs.

Isn’t that something so natural for those of us who subscribe to that submissive mindset? We’re hard wired to tune into that other in our life, and to put their needs before our own. In the hands of the right person it can lead to us feeling whole and complete, but in the hands of the wrong one…it can do unparalleled damage.

Have you ever wondered why romance and BDSM novels always seem to feature a rich and powerful man who rules his world and dominates those around him with a fearless authority? It’s because we have been preconditioned to believe that rich, arrogant, and confident means together, powerful and in control. We believe that those things make a good Dom, but I don’t agree.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what I want or need in a partnership. Like many people, I’ve changed over the last few years and will continue to evolve over the rest of my life time. I know now that I will need a piece of BDSM in my life, I’m not sure I could live without it any longer.

However, I need other things too.

I need to find a man who knows himself, very well, so well that when he comes into a relationship with me he is uncompromising in retaining that separate identity. He needs a life and passions outside of me, and must have a strong desire to constantly better himself. He will need to be as dedicated to me as I will be to him, and yet he ok on his own without me.

Above all else, I need to find myself first. To look in the mirror and not only recognize the woman looking back at me, but to be happy and confident to wear her smile into public. I need to be ok alone, to focus on my writing and my work, and to start thriving and not just surviving.

To the Dom of my future, I hope, I hope very much that you are out there waiting for me. I hope that when you meet you will see me across a room and know without a doubt that you want to meet me, to get to know me, and to see me shiver in ecstasy under you.

I hope you will be patient with me, and I hope that by the time we meet I will be ready for you.

Until then….

I’m going to delve into the world of self bondage and possibly find a play partner who can help me scratch the occasional itch while I find myself.